Fast & Furious 9

In these times of 'black darkness' I was excited about Vin Diesel, he seemed like a cool action guy and I was looking forward to his next films. But today, with Diesel's ego swollen to the size of his calf's neck, I'm just bored. And if I had a nickel for every time this film breaks the laws of physics, or they say "brother", "sister", "father", "mother" or "family", I'd buy an island in the Caribbean. Or a flat in Prague. (01/08/2021)

The Fast and Furious franchise has evolved in an interestingly bad way. While watching the previous episodes, I said many times "They can't be serious!" and was amused by how beautifully stupid it was. This time I said "They can't be serious!" several times, shaking my head, yawning and not understanding why this is such a soap opera and why even the action scenes are so boring. After the sixth episode, the worst entry in the franchise. (30/01/2023)

The F&F franchise has one exceptional quality, and that is that it is capable of raising scenes to such heights of comicality with every episode that you wouldn't believe it. And Fast & Furious 9, from the very first minutes, is built up ad absurdum. Here we have, over and over again, flying cars, exploding cars, motorbikes, quad bikes and basically everything one can think of, technology that could not exist even in the best sci-fi movies, and on top of that his teletubbies crew, which is again the same cast, so at least I give extra points for that, because it has grown on me over the episodes. Plot-wise, though, it's still the same song. The same, unentertaining and as I mentioned here almost comical stuff. People flying through the air, a car getting intercepted by a fighter jet in flight and taking off with it, bad guys jumping from motorcycle to motorcycle, and cars driving on a vertically dropped rope bridge. Thank you, I don't want to. I was kind of naively hoping that in 8 episodes they would learn their lesson and, judging by the audience response, figure they could cut back a bit, but probably in vain. Audiences here go for action, but in the best case they will leave laughing and feeling that there are stupider people than them (=the creators), in the worst case they will turn it off after 20 minutes and pretend that this film never worked. Having John Cena in the cast might have already sounded the alarm that it's probably going to be a mess... 1 star for the "Dom and family" memes, which would never have happened without the movie. (02/08/2021)

The last episode of this series has to reveal that all this is happening in virtual reality or as the fantasy of a crippled racer, otherwise I don’t know how else to explain these crazy antics defying the laws of physics. Toretto is washing his dirty laundry in public with the result you might expect. The absence of Brian is explained by some huge lie about him and the kids being in a safe place (being dead means you’re safe now?); we get cars flying through space and, yes, electromagnets too. P.S.: Cena made leaps and bounds in his career this year, but his Peacemaker yesterday was much more powerful. (07/08/2021)

Unfortunately, it falls back into the style of the completely useless episodes 2, 3 and 4 from the last decade, with bland characters and a ton of unnecessary action with incredibly bad effects. 15 years ago, I could still understand it, they were light action B-movies that lacked a budget, but you went to see cars, not monstrous high-budget set pieces. But here it is hard to understand, because over time the FF franchise has become a billion dollar colossus, so money is not an issue. Yet the result is astonishingly bad and it is questionable whether to continue at all and, if so, in what direction to take it further. Basically, everything is bad and nothing works. If the few highlight scenes were glued together, i.e. the ones where the classic practical effects work and there's no crazy CGI going on, plus 2 or 3 lines from a proven black duo, it would be 20 minutes long and mission accomplished. Unfortunately, even John Cena is more charismatic and fun than Vin Diesel. Big disappointment. (01/08/2021)